Well… Two days ago was my 36th birthday. That happened… I think it ranks up there with one of worst days of my life. The following day started as a continuation of my birthday with a crazy nightmare. Perhaps a night terror… Maybe one of the worst dreams I’ve had and I definitely experienced very frightening dreams. It was so bad, I woke up struggling to breathe and ended up having chest pains. It took a while to get back to “normal”. Whatever that means… I fear perhaps dying in a dream that’s a nightmare and being stuck there. Most of the time, I can pull myself out. I wasn’t able to do that in the dream. These dreams have been getting worse to say the least and happening more often this year. I really hate having nightmares. Everything feels so real, like I’m there actually experiencing it. It definitely felt that way the other night. It’s scary and at times makes me hate dreaming.
This year has been absolutely terrible. The last couple of weeks alone… have been eye opening to say the least. I actually wrote a blog post in November but it was extremely depressing so I decided to keep the post a draft. This post is just as sad I guess but I have to post something here. Right?
I feel like I’m running out of time. A part of me wants to run out of time. In saying that, I was planning to commit suicide again on or the day after my birthday. Started planning it in November. Now it’s the 11th and decided against it. Mainly because I don’t want a repeat of what happened when I turned 30. Waking up after an overdose is something I’m definitely not looking forward to again. Why am I saying this? Well… That’s where my head is at right now. I have nothing positive to say anymore. I ruined my life and my dream here is dying. A part of me has died already. Honestly… I was staring at the pills I bought on my birthday and imagining me dead and finally an attempt working. It was nice… a lovely thought. But… if I woke up again the side effects I know would be worse and I just can’t go through what I went though in 2013 so now I’m too scared to try to die again yet I really have no desire to live anymore. I feel beyond miserable and it’s every day now. I’m getting older and time is slipping from me. I’m trapped here working dead end jobs and living a dead end life.
I realized I have to start all over again if I want to build this website into something that can be a full time endeavor. I really don’t want to do that again… after I failed so many times in the past. I even tried different ways to bring money in. I lost so much in pursuit of this dream and I’m right back at the beginning again. It just hurts so much!! At this point, I just wish I knew a painless way to die that was 100 percent effective and not traumatic like jumping in front of a train.
I am so sick and tired of this constant struggle for nothing. There really is no point in being here and as time goes on more problems will inevitability occur.
It’s just insane to keep trying to figure this out when no one believes in my work here, not even myself. But as long as I am here I feel compelled to keep going. Maybe it’s a sign of madness. This website has been a complete joke from the first day until now and in the future.
Oh well… right? So… what I’m thinking now is to rent a dance studio for a day and film myself dancing to a particular song and create alternate versions to promote. Geez… just thinking about that now makes me want to vomit and throw myself out of a window. I can see my plans and future film being a joke as well. Darkness is here to stay until maybe I have the best dream of my life and I’m just so happy and in shock that it just kills me in my sleep and I’m in paradise for eternity. Now… that’s a lovely thought.