This is a different type of post for this website. I made a promise to myself to remain positive on this website. However, this morning while waiting to get my car serviced, I received over 30 emails from my security plugin informing me that someone has been locked out from trying to sign into this website. Now, several hours later those emails are up to 51. I believe this is a brute force attack either by multiple people, bots, one person, who knows. It’s very disappointing and just sad overall.
To anyone trying to get into this website…. You have nothing to gain from hacking into this website. There’s no point. Rarely anyone visits… There’s no fanbase, no comments, no one supports or even cares about this website except for me. I have lost so many designs, a few videos, and honestly parts of my sanity with this website. So… if you want to steal or change anything, if you can get in… then feel free to take or do whatever you want! I DO NOT CARE! I will fix whatever you do to this site and move forward from there. I lost my other website because hackers got in and messed up everything and I didn’t feel like rebuilding. That will not be the case here… All designs posted within the last 5 years are on several flash drives. This website is backed up from my hosting provider frequently. I also make backups as well. Do what you must…. make yourself feel good, superior, sneaky, whatever gets you off on trying to get into this website.
I find it extremely hilarious that the only times there’s a spike in traffic is when someone is trying to hack into it. I don’t understand why people do these things. I get these emails ever so often but today was a lot. At first, I was very upset but now I find it humorous in a sad way. I’m sure I talked about this at some point on this website. I feel like I have to come to the realization that this dream I have will never be anything other than that. I don’t know if it’s just me getting older and realizing that it’s hopeless at this point. I have a job that’s decent and every day I’m grateful I still have it and hope I don’t get fired any time soon. Is it a job that I like, no… but it helps me pay bills. That’s what I am here to do, pay bills. I don’t know if I’m able to afford more trips. I hope I can go to Chicago this year but I don’t know anymore. It may never happen. I have to save so much money to do what I want to do and it’s difficult because I don’t make much and most of it goes to a bill. Or… something completely unexpected happens that ruins my plans. I wanted to complete this travel series before I turn 40. I don’t have much time and every day I see the dream die. But… as long I am here then I have to live with this failure and keep paying the bills.
It feels impossible to live off my dream of color. And I definitely don’t want to rely on sales anymore to live my dream. I’m tired of that… While fixing this website, I noticed a trend with the blog posts. I was so stressed and miserable because no one liked my work enough to support it. I see the thumbs down on past videos, people unsubscribing on my youtube channel, little to no traffic, now constant attempts to hack into my website. It’s almost sickening… all of this crap. It is sickening. Let me be honest again, I don’t care if no likes my work anymore. Yes… it sucks! I suck and all of this is meaningless to everyone except for me and as long as I care that’s all that matters. No one really cares about my love so why should I care anymore about other people who don’t care about this love? The love I have for color is the only thing keeping me from suicide attempt #4.
At the end of the day… It doesn’t matter if 1, 50, or 100s of people are hacking into this website to steal or wreak havoc. I will come back and continue until I completely lose my mind which could happen soon. At this point, it’s insane to keep going. I feel meaningless but I love this journey with color so much to not let it go for right now.
So yeah… that’s all I need to say about this situation. Feel free to keep trying to get in. Let me know when you do. Leave a comment! 😀