Last Sunday I recorded footage of me driving for my next “film”. Let’s call it another crappy music video. At the time I was super excited. Even when I came back from “filming”, looking at the footage really got me excited because I never worked with multiple angles in this capacity.
All last week until today I’ve been working on it and now I just want to stop everything. I had a conversation with someone Friday night while watching a documentary. The person I was talking to was judging the video’s poor quality but still thought it was good for what it is. Basically a bad quality video but the concept and content was good. All I kept thinking during this conversation was my work and how it kind of looks similar to the video. It felt like punch in the gut, still does. So… I went back on Adobe Friday night and all Saturday trying to hide my personal distaste for this program and try to make it work with the content I made already to create something that looks more updated and refined. Today… I just stopped and felt my heart shatter to more pieces. I feel like that’s the general opinion on my work. It really gives the “dirty” comment I had on my channel more validity.
Goodness… I feel utterly heartbroken. I keep hanging on to this delusional dream but now I feel too exhausted to keep trying. I just want all of this to end. I really do… I don’t want to work like this. I like the program I’m using now. I like how I make videos but it’s never good enough. I always have to worry about if someone is going to like it or not if this is going to go anywhere. That’s reality… that’s the game. If I can’t make any money from this it’s a failure? A failure in this reality I should say. I’ve had dreams where this keeps going and it gets more interesting. Can you imagine an endless journey discovering all the beauties of color? If I could flip certain dreams into this reality that would be too good to be true, right?
This can’t be a full time endeavor because to everyone but me it’s a hobby…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
I am unraveling…. And in the end, this is going to look so bad. I am at fault and I completely messed up. Now, all I want is to end everything but I can’t bring myself to close this website down. I can’t bring myself to quit again. Can’t bring myself to take the pills sitting on my desk for a month to end this joke. I’m just so miserable and there’s no fucking escape that doesn’t involve a lot of pain. I’m trapped living a failed life. It’s never going to get any better and that thought really scares me because I’m getting old and it hasn’t gotten any better. These thoughts are truly haunting me, along with other things. Everything is going downhill. Everything… I just want to go sleep and not wake up. No more pain… No more failures… Is that too much to ask? Just go to sleep and be in dreamland forever. A good dream. I’m in Paris and the travel series is full time.
So yeah…. Over a month later since the wretchedness that was my birthday, in a new year, same story, still wishing for lovely thoughts to come true.
I’m only posting this because I wanted to mention that I have been working on a new project even though it’s doomed to fail. I will force myself to continue after I finish writing this blog post. I should have the latest crappy video up by next Monday at the earliest. I had a deadline but what’s the point, right?