Red Eye Fork – Day Seven of Design Challenge

Today wasn’t a good day. I had a lot of stuff to do and I knew this was going to be another day where I’m close to the deadline again. I also received some information that honestly had me scream for a few seconds.

Midday I came to the realization that what I do means nothing here. I know I had similar thoughts in the past but today I felt it hit me. All this time, I’ve been trying to figure out the missing piece on why things are the way they are. I often listen to motivational videos. One thing that is consistent is that many people found a way to translate their talents to help others. I don’t think my work with color means anything to anyone. It doesn’t help anyone. It doesn’t do anything. It has no impact. I work with an old program. Most of my stuff looks odd and probably outdated.

Sadly this design is nothing more than a rough outline. I spent less than 2 hours making this design and it probably shows. I like to spend 2 hours minimum on designs. It gives me a chance to test out different effects and textures. I was doing other work and I had to stop in order to stay on track with this design challenge. I called this Red Eye Fork because I was crying all throughout making this design and I used a fork. I definitely wanted to make red prominent in the design as well. I had one song on repeat as well that probably didn’t help my mood. I’m going to feature the song in the music video.

For a while, I’ve been trying to find a way to do this full time. Try to make some income. Now, it seems like a waste of time to do that. I’ve tried hard to improve my work with color. Keep testing myself with new blends and try to see things differently. I don’t want any of my designs to look exactly the same even if I’m working with the same colors. In order to make a living, I feel I have to change. I don’t want to change my approach to color. Even if I work with outdated software and what I make looks bad.

Realistically… I don’t think I’ll ever make a living off of my art. I’ve tried for quite some time and I failed miserably. It could take years to make sales. I don’t want to rely on sales to make my art. I just want to focus on color. I rather not worry about the money. It’s about the journey. If I didn’t have color in my life right now, I wouldn’t have any hope that good things can happen in the future.

What’s upsetting me is that I want to make good designs every day of the week. Life gets in the way. I don’t have any doubts on how much I love color. I have doubts that I’m a credible artist in this world. Maybe my love for color will never be enough. I have to find a way to continue this journey and not worry about the money anymore. Money is a real problem for me right now. I also have to banish the doubts and insecurities of my work. Somehow, I have to keep moving forward. Even if it doesn’t have real value to anyone, it has value to me. Sometimes I feel my own feelings have no value but that’s decades of self destruction talking. I have to let go of all that somehow. Color helps me but times are very hard right now. I’ve been self destructive for as long as I can remember. It’s probably the only thing I can do well. Scratch that… if I did that well then I wouldn’t be writing this blog post. I would be long gone by now. Probably drinking ice coffee with my dad in a magical place filled with color. :/

Despite this post being very morbid, I will keep going. I have to prove to myself that I can finish this challenge!

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