Well… I’m at the end of my design challenge. It’s been very challenging to say the least. I wanted to make 15 designs but at the end of the day, I’m only at 11. It’s not too bad but I realized something. I can’t devote my whole life to art anymore. I know I mentioned in the desperation post that times are desperate. I feel like life has been giving me lots of signs lately to stop.
I love color with all of my heart but there’s only so much I can do in a day. I have no way to support myself and it takes a lot of time to do what I do here. It took me over 6 hours to create Desperation. When I finished the design, I felt like I didn’t do enough. I wasn’t happy with the end result but that feeling slowly began to change. I started to work more on the design and the colors were going deeper into red and now I believe I did ok. I going to submit it to the contest. I know I probably won’t win but I believe I tried my best.
Happiness continues to elude me. It’s a big mystery. I made a huge mistake recently that I don’t regret making. I’m tired… and I feel so much pain. Have you ever felt so much love for a dream that it consumes you completely? The pain won’t go away. Why is that? Why won’t the pain go away? Why does life have to be so hard? Why do I have to hide my sorrow and pain? Why do I have to keep smiling when all I want to do all day is cry? Why?
I wish I could have done more. You know… it would be so cool to be like Woody Allen but with color instead of movies. He’s made one movie, every year, consistently for over 30 years. That’s just awesome. I love that type of passion and love. I wanted to create 1000’s of designs. I want to live in color but I messed up and I don’t see that happening.
Nature is beautiful, color resides in every part of nature. I wanted to become part of that. To create different aspects of color, to see how far I can go. I was frustrated with Desperation. I wanted to stop and but I couldn’t stop. I could spend days in front of the computer, trying to find the right blend and love every moment, every second. At the end of the day, I’m just a delusional dreamer. I can accept that now because I tried to make it work. In the back of my mind, one question always pops up. How did it end like this? But I know the answer to that question and I’ve been denying it for quite some time.