I’m back… It’s been a really long time. Perhaps, my longest break to date with this website. A lot has happened since the last post. I read it over before writing this one and it just makes me feel sad because not much has changed. This is actually my third time trying to write this blog post. I suddenly feel somewhat speechless. I could write what happened but it would make for a really depressing story. To keep it very short: 2020 and most of 2021 has completely destroyed me mentally. The only reason why I’m back is a bold attempt in making at least one dream come true. I won’t say what it is but if you’ve been reading the blog for a long time it wouldn’t take much to figure out. I will however mention exactly what my plans are when I’m one hundred percent certain it can happen.
Why am I doing this? Well… why not? The time is now. I’m getting older and I feel like time is running out and I know I said that before on this website but it needs to be said. I am mentally exhausted and feel very much broken. I know even if I’m able to execute my plans they mean nothing but I know in my heart I have to try to make this happen. For me… not for the money, views, likes/dislikes, or anything else, just for my sanity at this point. At the end, I want to say I tried to make this one impossible thing happen. Throughout the last year and a half I’ve often thought about my goals with this website. I never completely abandoned my dreams with my work. I actually tried another method to help me work on this website full time but failed spectacularly. There’s always going to be something I’m not doing right or haven’t done enough and then there’s the unexpected. The unexpected can mess up the best plans and can ruin everything. I feel like I’ve done so much already but at the end of the day it’s all meaningless in this reality. Someone can say that’s a pessimistic viewpoint and that’s correct but it doesn’t make it any less accurate. I spent years trying to make this website a full time career. My work with color is not as great as it should be. I do feel like I’ve progressed but… it will never be up to par in this reality and that’s ok. I’m coming to terms with failure. Having the dream life, working on my art full time while traveling the world is nothing but a delusional fairy tale. It’s a beautiful dream. Color is a deep passion for me. The most beautiful love affair in my life. I go back and look at some designs and videos I’ve made and it always leaves a smile on my face. Maybe if I was a different person if could’ve happened. Je ne sais pas.
Since I’m back for now, I thought to spice things up around here. I changed the design theme for this website. I have to replace all the thumbnails but since that’s going to be a pain because there’s over 250 posts, I will be taking my time. Besides, there’s no actual traffic here so it doesn’t make a difference if this website will be on maintenance mode for another two to three weeks. There’s a lot I can do with this theme and I’m having fun playing around with certain things. I wanted this website to look great on mobile and desktop so there’s a lot of tweaking I have to do with some design elements. I’ve been working on the main page for the past week. I renewed the hosting plan for four years and sometime next month I’m going to renew the domain as well. I usually renew monthly but found a great deal from another hosting provider. I also wanted this website to be running for a while without any outside interference from my life.
I’m going to do what I can to make this plan work. I won’t know until December 7th if it’s going to work or not. I am very nervous and anxious. I’m making big changes and I want to aim high. You know… anything can happen at any time. I’m learning to have a laser focus mindset and try to make it happen however possible despite outside noise. I have to stay disciplined and keep trying to find ways to make this work. However… something can always happen to derail everything. I’m hoping for the best.
P.S. Just after posting this I realized it was Halloween. lol…
Happy Halloween!