The End?

This is the fifth time I’ve tried to write this blog post. I wanted to stay positive but… that’s impossible at this moment in time. Today would have been the day if things worked out that I would be in Chicago. Makes me sad… but that’s life. Endless misery on a cycle until the lights are out permanently. I know the car accident was relatively minor but I think about what happened almost every day. The truck hitting my car and my head slamming back and forth. Even then… if I didn’t have the seat beat on, my head could had easily went into the window. Things can happen at any time to change every thing. Every passing day I realize this and it honestly frightens me to no end. My heart is beyond broken. There’s no way I can make this work. I really don’t want to give up but I don’t want to try anymore. I’m going to be miserable until the lights are out for me and that’s fact. I’m already old and time is running out. I’ve failed because I’m weak and honestly my art looks like crap to put it mildly. I’ve been holding on because it’s been my only real happiness for so many years. I feel beyond miserable but in this reality, you can’t really express these feelings without some type of negative response or worse. There are people out there going through ten times worse so what I’m going through means nothing in the large scheme of things. I get it… I understand it. I think I’m permanently stagnant. I had some ideas that I would like to execute but I don’t see that happening at the moment. I’m just really tired of trying to make an impossible dream work in this reality. Yeah… I get it. I made this all happen and I wish with everything that I can turn back the hands of time and fix everything. It just hurts so much that I failed to make this work. I don’t want to visit this website anymore. It just hurts too much. So much time and money in the trash. I hate this… I hate all of it. I hate being here. I am my own worse enemy fighting against a reality I really don’t like to be in. It’s a lose/lose situation at this point. I wish I could be happy with the little that I have. I wish living in monotony, paycheck to paycheck, endless debts haunting me, wasting away watching mindless entertainment was enough.

In 2013, I tried to commit suicide for the 3rd time, and quite often I think about if I could just go back and fix it. I was so close… When I woke up, I felt it…. I knew I was close this time. Out of all the times, this was it. I know it! I had stomach problems in the past but this time, the side effects were much worse. If I could go back and correct the mistakes…. I would. There’s no reason to be here anymore other than to pay a bill. I’m sick of this reality. Endless suffering everywhere… It’s horrifying and you don’t know when something is going happen. Think about it…There’s no end to suffering in this reality. You’re labeled weak if you can’t handle it the right way. It makes me sick. Just waking up…

This website was never a hobby for me. It was my one true love. I have to let go. It’s only causing more heartache by sticking around and hoping for the best. Yeah… reschedule the trip, everything will be fine. Everything will be ok. Time heals all wounds… Etc, etc, etc… It doesn’t… really… It doesn’t heal anything. I think I hit a true breaking point. Anything can happen… Literally… and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Either I am continuously messing things up or something outside of my control happens. It’s endless. It’s like all the scars I have on my leg. Yeah… it happened a while ago but every time I look down, I still see them and it’s a reminder how feelings really don’t change. I can’t do this anymore. It’s too painful. Hoping one day I might make to Paris. It’s a joke. I’m a joke. This whole life has been an utter joke. Things are never going to change. At the core… I will always be a failure and that’s what this website is at the end of the day. No one believes in this dream other than me and I mean nothing. I just want this all to end.

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