I started making another design yesterday and about an hour in I stopped. I think everything that’s happened over the last 5 months have truly damaged me. When I made book of Jackie, I was a mess. I am still a mess. I felt guilty making the design and broken. Almost every day that I’m alone, I cry for a while. I understand the mistakes. I honestly thought trying to be happy wasn’t a mistake. I don’t regret quitting my job. Now… having no source of income has destroyed everything. All for the sake of happiness. It wasn’t a smart move but I was tired of feeling miserable every day. Now… I’m feeling miserable but on another level. It’s worse than I could ever have imagined before I quit my job. I’ve sunken so low that it’s hard to even get up in the morning.
I’m trying hard to stay positive but it’s just a facade. I am terrified and very scared of the future. It’s so easy to say don’t give up. I thought about that… I’ve been designing for years. I tried making money professionally with my art since 2012. Not a single sale. I’m in so much debt now it’s insane. Don’t give up on something that doesn’t help or mean anything to anyone but myself, does that make sense? It’s so easy to say don’t give up. It is so easy….
I see the value of money. Everyone has a battle and I don’t think I’m good enough to make any real income from my work. You have to find ways make money without any support. You have to already have money. You need money to make money. Etc… Etc… Etc… You can work until your eyes start to burn but it doesn’t matter if one day you end up on the street with no source of income and no way to make more art. You can work so much to promote but you can’t reach many people without advertising. Advertising takes money. Everything revolves around it. It’s sickening… but I wouldn’t be saying this if I haven’t screwed up my life to the point where I’m penniless and desperate.
Recently, I had a true eye opener that made me feel so small. I won’t go into details because there may be a chance that someone I know might be actually reading this post.
Three times… three times I tried to commit suicide and each one left a mark. The last one, damaged my hearing temporary. Well… maybe it’s permanent. Sometimes I still problems with a particular ringing noise. I looked it up and it’s called tinnitus. I’m not sure because I’m not a doctor. I could be fine but I haven’t had this problem before the suicide attempt. Every single day, I think about what I did and in my head I try to rectify the mistake I made to make it work.
I have a fool proof plan that I know will work if I get the timing right. If I don’t then I’ll have brain damage. It scares me because I haven’t been successful in the past. I even fail at trying to kill myself, now that’s a new level of pathetic. Plus… the person I’m with will surely leave me if I fail and he finds me messed up. I don’t blame him. I would leave me. I am a disaster. I’ve been a disaster for as long as I can remember. Chasing dreams and failing reality every single day. Reality is horrible. So many horrible things happen in reality.
I remember when I was little, I use to have nightmares of Freddy Kruger killing me. I would feel each death. I was so scared to fall asleep and face him. It got so bad that I eventually found a way to wake up. I would scream inside the dream. I would yell, help me or wake up. I was able to pull myself out when things were getting really bad. I only told a few people about it but the experience was truly frightening. Sometimes I think, what if I succeed in another suicide attempt and I’m stuck in a nightmare that I can’t wake up from? There are so many fears. Each time I tried to commit suicide, I suddenly became fearless. I didn’t care about the consequences, I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted this life to stop.
It seems so easy to let everything go. I think about dying and it makes me smile. To be free from this life. To finally be free from the mistakes. No matter what I do in this reality, nothing works out. I’m left begging for money from family because of my “mistake”. I don’t see it as a mistake. In the end if it does work, then I’ll be labeled as selfish. I was told I was being selfish for wanting to try to commit suicide. I thought that was very interesting. What is the alternative? No income… I am completely dependent on others to keep going, falling deeper in debts that I can’t pay, feeling miserable every single day. Things are getting worse very fast and there’s no way I can stop it. I’ve been applying for jobs. I actually have an interview soon doing something I don’t want to do but it’s all about survival right? To be seen as not being selfish if all I want is to be happy and free. Being happy and free is selfish. Yet I’m going to lose everything in due time and what will I be then? Just another delusional loser who is wasting space. Selfish or a piece of trash?
I’m thankful for this outlet. Some days I scream in my pillow and that helps too. I truly feel like I’m losing it. Color is slipping away from me. My only comfort right now is food and I don’t have much money to eat. I honestly believe I won’t make any money with my art. Well unless I have money to advertise, which I don’t. I feel horrible and disgusting. It won’t get any better and now since I’m too traumatized to try to kill myself again, things will only get worse. I believe it. Yet I’m selfish for wanting the pain to go away. I can’t risk brain damage even though I know the plan will work. I was sure in the past and each time, my body refuses to die. Every time I wake up from each attempt it was pure horror. Blood… vomit… pain… it was endless for a while. I just don’t want to go through that again. I’m stuck here. Stuck… Sometimes, I wish I didn’t go through the past attempts then maybe I would be more willingly to try again but I can’t.
I won’t be posting anymore updates until things get better. I don’t think they will. It’s going to be a very sad day when I get the e-mail that the website hosting is being shut down. I did so much here but in the end what does it mean if I can’t keep it up and running? It will cease to exist. I not only failed myself but I failed color as well. It was my true happiness. If maybe I was a better artist then maybe someone would have bought a design or two. I hate that I had the power to make things right and I messed up. I wish I had a second chance. I can see how things are going to turn for the worse and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I really did try. If it means anything, I really did try to make this work. 🙁