Ok… So I know this post doesn’t really matter. Nothing, I’ve ever done that meant something to me matters but whatever. I’m not sure if I’m going to finish the Paris album at this point. I did make two more designs since Mona but I just don’t have it in me to finish this album, which is just heartbreaking. Also, two major things have happened, quite recently, which I will talk about below.
The first thing was my computer being destroyed. It was my own stupidity that it happened. I was able to retrieve all of my information through my SSD card but I had to buy a new computer. The only money I had was from my savings which I was saving for a trip for my upcoming birthday. That money is now gone and I foolishly bought a MacBook instead of a Windows computer. It’s a great computer. In fact, it’s the best computer I’ve ever had but through my own stupidity yet again, Paintshop Pro does not work on Mac computers. I tried working with Photoshop to make a design but me and Photoshop just don’t mix well at all. I can only use that software for one filter that Paintshop doesn’t have. There are several filters that Paintshop has that I love to use and it would take too many workarounds in Photoshop to replicate the filters. I am not in the mood for the song and dance so… I downloaded Parallels to use Windows on my Mac computer. It has a 14 day trial. I started working on one design but as of right now, I only have five days left and I know I won’t finish every design I had planned in that time. The software is 99 dollars and I honestly don’t want to pay that after I spent my savings on this computer. It’s a lot of money. I’m going to try to make Eiffel, Louvre, Arc de Triophme, and Moulin Rouge. Worst case, I can just make Eiffel and that’s it. I’m disappointed in myself. The album should have done by now. I know it doesn’t matter but it hurts. A lot…
Truthfully, I just never been the same since Paris. I spent a good portion of my life trying to get there and now since I’ve been back, all I feel is empty. Every second of the day. It feels worse knowing my life revolved around this dream. Sometimes I think to someone else this dream seems easy to accomplish. It’s not like you need ten thousand dollars to make it happen. For me, a huge part was circumstance to have the money at the time. I did have a huge fear of planes but I didn’t think about that when I book the tickets last year. I had the money and I thought it was either now or never.
Overall, I’m just a broke failure, who has quit so many times in trying to be successful it’s laughable. I think if I had a stronger personality and didn’t let certain things get to me, I may have accomplished this dream in my 20s instead of my late 30s. Maybe I would be a successful artist right now. If I had more faith in myself. A bunch of maybe’s and regrets. I wish I can go back in time and fix the mistakes but I can’t and it’s too late to change the trajectory that I’m on. Stuck at dead end jobs, living a dead end life. In the beginning of the year, I fell into a deep dark depression. I did some really crazy shit during that time. I should go into detail but it’s disturbing so… I won’t.
I tried to pick myself back up but now I feel like I’m falling deeper and there’s no way out of this hole.
Well… the second thing is I received an email in the midnight hours yesterday that my website has been hacked yet again. When I read it, I instantly smiled and laughed. I don’t know if it was shock or genuine disbelief at the time. I was drunk as well. I thought it was a just a scam. I mean it is a scam but they did threaten to sell my information off and destroy my reputation on google. Thinking about reputation makes me want to laugh again. I have no reputation to destroy. No angry customers. I am no one. I am nothing. That’s the part that makes this hack so funny to me. However… they have my email address linked to this website which leads me to believe that they are serious on what they might do. Most of my information is private. I don’t think it would be easy to access my personal information and based on what happened months ago, this could be a legitimate. I did take measures to secure this website but I doubt what I’ve done helped since this website continues to get hacked into.
So… I have no idea if the website would be shut down based on brute force attacks, of if they steal and sell all of my artwork on here, or perhaps they take everything down and make another website. I have no idea what these assholes are going to do. Again, this is my own stupidity that this happening. I haven’t been maintaining this site for a while and there were some outdated plugins, I thought I had everything automatically updated but I guess not. So that’s probably how the hacker was able to access the website. Whatever… I’m done. So do whatever the fuck you have planned. If by some chance they are reading this or the person who buys this shit is reading this then FUCK YOU! I give zero fucks, and I hope one day you are caught hacking someone else who actually does matter and has the means to take you down.
I am so sick of this bullshit. I am. No one visits this website. I am a shit artist. I’ve had my work stolen before, this website has been hacked before, and now I’m getting threats. If I don’t pay 3000 dollars all of my info will be sold to the highest bidder.
Of course, I’m not going to pay. Even if I had the money, it would be very stupid to pay some scamming hacker 3000 dollars to save this shit website. It’s comical that they would even think I would pay.
I wonder what this website will go for. A few dollars or a few pennies? Lol… This is such a fucking joke. All of this… This website and my life. I am just so fucking exhausted, of everything. I literally have no desire to wake up anymore. If I can just die peacefully in my sleep, I would be very happy.
And… I don’t fucking care about the obscenities on this post either. If anyone reads it and is appalled by it, then just leave. The only reason why this website is still up because it’s paid until late 2025. After that it will cease to exist and hopefully, I’ll be long gone by point as well.