Usually I write a blog post after I finish the design. I think I’m close to the end point in making Mona. I wanted to write something right now. It’s Saturday afternoon and I am so behind schedule, it’s insane. Compared to the last three designs, I was making the music video by this point in the week. I have somewhat of an idea where I want the blends to go but I do feel lost on the ending look. I knew this was going to be a hard one and I’m stuck between two versions that I like but don’t necessarily love. Feels like I’m blending endlessly… All I want to do is stop. So here I am writing, trying to distract myself from feeling like this is all pointless and doing a miserable job at it. Maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if I was inebriated right now. I don’t know.
A part of me wants my work with color to matter outside of myself. I don’t think making this album is doing me any good. Too much pressure… Too much emptiness… An album of a lifetime that means nothing. I think my heart just broke again typing those words. It’s strange. I didn’t think I would make this album until after I finished my nationwide travel series. Traveling to every state in the USA. It feels like a huge jump ahead of schedule and I don’t feel ready to make this album. Then again, I don’t think I would ever be ready to make an album featuring Paris. I still feel completely overwhelmed. This means everything to me but I know whatever I make will never be enough here. This is not real art. It was always just a mess. I know it. I feel it… and that’s what hurts the most because I’m hopelessly in love with color. It’s hitting me hard with every design I make for this album. I want to say that the love I have for color is enough to get past these moments. I have no faith in my work. I never did. It feels subpar. I’m submerged in the blends, feeling fleeting moments of bliss, wrapped up in shallow emptiness.
So yeah… Design four and tears are ever present in the design process. All I want to do is self destruct. I was thinking about it so much last night, going back to the last moment and trying to relive the pain I felt. The pain I want to feel right now. Sometimes I feel haunted by a dream I had a while ago. I may have talked about here. I’m too lazy to go back and check. Someone looked at me in horror and said “What have you done to yourself?” It was in reference to all the self harm. Whenever that moment pops up, I feel ashamed for all the things I’ve done to harm myself. I don’t remember who this person was and I don’t think I knew this person in real life. She was the only person who had such a strong reaction. It was surprising. Her voice, the look in her eyes… I can feel the moment even though I don’t remember every detail. I was speechless. I guess I’m still speechless when thinking about it. All of this… it’s not going to end well. I hate this feeling. I hate that I made so many mistakes and I’m still a mess. This website and all the work I’ve done here means nothing. It really is insane to keep going but I know have to for my past self at the very least.
Well… Have to finish making this design. It’s a little after 4pm EST. The thumbnail you see is where I am in making this design. I have no idea if the final version is going to look like this or not.
I’m probably going to regret posting this in the future. 🙁