Wow… not updating this site in a year has turned it to a black screen. It has been a long time. I remember saying that a few times. Well… I don’t think this is going to be a long post. This will officially be the last post of beatnik83.com. It’s over. It’s been over for a long time but now it’s officially over. No more art albums. No more false hopes and delusions. Today marks a day that I will commit to finding peace within the failure of my life. I’ve been stuck at dead end jobs for 20 years. I’ve jumped from one pursuit to the next trying to get out of it. Things would happen to derail plans. Accidents. Jobs. Mental Issues. Lots of financial issues. Just lots of stuff. Lots of excuses at the end of the day. There are many people doing what I love to do and making a lot of money. I am a failure. I am too tired to start all over again to try to make something work.
The last pursuit I talked about, I gave up on after receiving a scathing review that I felt was unjustified and just having a meltdown at that and a few comments. It just brought it all back, the pain behind everything that’s happened with the jobs I’ve had in the past. I mean… I was would shake when I get a notification about a customer message. No one ever talks about the trauma and mental illness behind these jobs. Like it doesn’t matter. You just “don’t take it personal”, just do whatever you have to do to survive. There was a point where I was fed up in my last job. I couldn’t continue and felt forced to leave so I did. I had a way to keep money flowing with the car I had at the time. That’s the difference between now and then. I don’t have that backup plan. I don’t know how to leave the dead end life on my terms.
I put my soul into this website. It’s crap. And that… That right there just hurts my soul on a level that I can’t even define now. All that matters is if it mattered to someone else and not to me. Everything I ever done has never mattered to anyone enough to support my work. Nothing I ever done was enough to build something outside of the dead end.
So… I wish I can say I don’t have any regrets. I have a lot of them and I wish I didn’t have any. I regret not sticking with my first shop on Etsy even though I was losing money with it. I regret closing my shop on Society 6. I regret not keep up with the podcast and my art collections. I regret giving up on my art and not being consistent. I know many life events happened that hurt the consistency but life is cruel and unforgiving and I should have figured out a way to continue despite the problems I was having throughout at the time. I regret letting all the criticism get to me so much, let it define me. I regret sticking with things that were way past the due date. Most of all, I regret me. My personality. My character. My weakness. My stupidity. I am exactly where I need to be in my life. It is no one’s fault but my own. I take full responsibility for failing.
So 13 years wasted…. 41 years wasted really. I am a waste of space. I wish I was dead. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. I hate myself, always did. I hate my life. I want to die. I have no desire to be alive anymore. I’ve done what I needed to do. I’ve been to Paris. I finally managed to fulfill my dad’s wish he had before he died. I really don’t need to be here anymore. I’m living only to pay bills, pure survival mode. I’m tried of this shit. I want out. I want out! I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good riddance… No more posts. Website and hosting expires at the end of the year and that’s it. I will not waste any more money on this.