So… New developments. Lots of new developments actually…
I’m going to the second place I always wanted to visit and that’s Chicago. On my 40th birthday, which is exactly a week from now, hopefully, I’ll be at the art institute recreating a scene from Ferris Bueller, lol. As Ferris once said, “life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in while you could miss it.” I can’t tell you how true that quote is! I can’t believe I’m about to turn 40. I don’t feel like I’m about to turn 40 at all and it does seem like life moved very fast for me. I really don’t want to turn 40 but at the same time, I just don’t want to worry about age anymore. I want to see if I can actually accomplish all of my dreams.
I always wanted to visit Paris. Checked. I always wanted to visit Chicago. About to be checked. (Well technically I’ve been to Chicago but it was only the airport so I feel like that’s not the same) I want to be a successful artist. Um… that seems like a fantasy. Or is it? To work on the travel series full time without working a dead end job would be the second ultimate dream come true for me. The first has always been going to Paris. I mean… if I can make that happen, surely I can make being a successful artist happen?
I know… it’s a little bit harder to accomplish but all of this feels strange. For years, I talked about wanting to visit Paris and Chicago. I thought I would never have the money, now… I could actually be in Chicago next week. It feels surreal in a lot of ways. I originally planned my birthday trip to Saint Louis because I wanted to spend more time in Chicago but the tickets costs more and decided to change my plans. So, it’s going to be a short trip, only 2 full days in Chicago but it’s better than not going at all.
I honestly had no plans coming back here. I thought I was done with my Paris album. I put everything into that album and I truly believe it’s my best work to date. However, since I’m going to Chicago, I just have to continue this journey and make another album. This year has been rough for me in a lot of ways. My depression lingered from 2022 and I really struggled to make the Paris album. After that, I had a hard time finding purpose. I mentioned on this blog that I haven’t been the same since Paris and after I finished the album it felt like a goodbye to my work here. There have been many times I wanted to give up and since I’m turning 40 it seemed like I should stop fighting in making my dream come true. The last couple of years have taught me some serious life lessons.
Honestly, I told myself earlier this year if I was still working at dead end jobs and living a dead end life, I was just going to take my life at 40. Try again for the fourth time… but this time I had a 100 guaranteed plan to make it work. Well… maybe 95 percent. But the only reason why I’m not going through with this plan or even mentioning this is the second development I talked about in the first sentence.
The irony… I started a shop on Etsy (another one since it’s not my first). I started selling travel art prints. It’s basically my travel series without actually traveling to each place featured in the shop. Funny, I’ve made over 150 dollars so far within the last 3 months. I know that’s not a lot but it’s more money than I ever made with this website or any endeavor I pursued to free myself from dead end jobs throughout the last 14 years. A big part of me is heartbroken because I put more time into my work here and made next to nothing. However, I’m not making abstract art so that could be the difference. Plus, I published more work in less time. So… who knows either way it hurts like hell that this is more successful. But, I shouldn’t complain at least something I tried has some value. A life feeling meaningless and to have small victories means a lot to me.
I have this crazy idea to build this thing since I am making money. Let’s just see if I can do this. A huge part of me feels crazy to keep trying. To keep fighting… I don’t know why especially since I’m now at the beginning of the end of my life. But who knows… Maybe this could be another checkmark on the list. If that happens then I know in my heart that I fought hard to turn my life around and become successful on my own terms. If not, then it hasn’t been a complete fail. I know Chicago is a week away but anything can happen between now and then. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone and I’m still very much terrified of planes. It feels insane to even do any of this, truly. It’s large steps out of my comfort zone but I guess that’s the most exhilarating part. I think in order to experience that moment of pure splendor when accomplishing a dream, you have to take steps in that direction even if it’s in the realm of the unknown. It doesn’t matter how frightening it is, you have to take the risk or a dream will stay a dream forever.
I will never forget Paris. Staring at the Eiffel Tower from Trocadero on my birthday of all days was a true moment of pure splendor. To continue having moments like that would make this life so beautiful and for the first time I have a feeling I that I could make it happen. Heading to Chicago to me feels like I’m finally heading in the right direction in my life. It’s sad that I’m about to turn 40 when this happening but oh well… It’s never too late for now.
P.S. The featured image is a picture I took on top of Sacre Coeur (missing ascents I know, sorry), on December 10th, 2021.