Well… today marks my ten year anniversary in making abstract art music videos. I made abstract designs before I started my youtube channel but June 2nd is the day when I took the leap and posted my first music video featuring my art. Honestly, it hit me yesterday how sad I feel about it all. I thought I would be successful at some point throughout this journey. I feel like I made some progress with my work but at the end of the day all of this has been one big failure. It really hurts, a lot. I’m disappointed and I hate that I couldn’t turn this love that I have into a real career.
It feels like I had so many chances to make it happen. I guess it’s not too late but I just don’t have it in me to start over from the beginning. I wish the videos I made throughout the past ten years meant something outside of my own personal love. Maybe that should be enough. Maybe working dead end jobs and just barely surviving is enough. Maybe I’m not meant to live a life of dreams. Or maybe I’m just a pathetic quitter who couldn’t handle criticism and gave up way too many times along the way. I never had any real faith in my work and maybe I’ve just been delusional all this time. Making lots trashy art and videos within the last ten years.
Though, I must admit I had a few magical moments but I don’t think it supersedes all the negative, how I feel inside. I feel like I wasted my life and it’s too late to turn things around. I can’t even finish my Paris album. I’m stuck…
I can’t say this life has been a complete waste. I was able to accomplish going to Paris. Standing in front of the Eiffel Tower was just a beautiful moment in time. At the very least I made that dream happen. Then I go back to that question: Why am I still here? When I know in my heart I will never be successful. I feel miserable most days. I hide it well but when I start think, like really think about life, the loneliness the failures, I break. I just don’t have an answer and I don’t want to be here anymore. Living with the failure and heartbreak. It doesn’t matter if I made 100, 200, or 1000 videos, there’s always something I’m doing wrong or it’s just not up to par with real art. Like I said in the last post, it’s all me. I have huge issues to work through to try to make this a career but now I’m 38 and I don’t think it’s going to happen. Making new art and music videos gave me a sense of purpose outside of survival mode. What’s the point in being in survival mode if you don’t have a reason to be in that mode? All of this feels so empty and heartbreaking at the same time. I hate this feeling. I really do…
I had plans to post a music video today but I’m still working on it. I’m running into a huge problem but if I manage to put it together before midnight then I will post it here. I just wanted to post something on this anniversary. I’m not sure if I’m going to do the 90 day design challenge at this point. I’m struggling big time to make a new video using a different format. I have to finish this album. I have to…
The thumbnail features a warped version of the last design I made but haven’t yet posted. I also wanted to provide a small update to the hacking situation. My email services were restored but I’m still facing a lot of bot activity and brute force attacks. I’ve taken additional security measures but I’m not sure how to fix the problem. I think it’s only a matter time before someone hacks the website again. Just thinking about it upsets me. If this website wasn’t paid for the next three and half years, I would have seriously contemplated deleting everything.
I guess I should end this post with a positive about this anniversary. It was great to visit Paris, Cape May, and Hartford. Lighthouse, The Boat Building, and Duquesne are my top favorite music videos. I feel proud to have made Abstract Pie. I still don’t consider myself as a real artist but there have been some designs and videos that I personally love with all of my heart.