I wrote another blog post last week but didn’t post it here. It was super depressing. I’m not sure if this one will be lighter but I will try. First I would love to say “HAPPY NEW YEAR“. I have big plans for this year. Well… one huge main goal. Something I honestly look forward to every day since I’ve been back from Paris. And no… it’s not making the album. I’m keeping it a secret, lol. Yesterday, instead of staring in space by the linen closet, I was on sofa lost in my head for quite some time. I know it was more than 10 minutes. Today has been a month since I’ve been back from my trip to Paris. Last night, I was feeling utterly empty wishing I was sleeping. There have been days that all I want to do is sleep the time away. Now, I feel really pathetic that I’m unable to move forward. But… it’s not for a lack of trying! I have been making small progress with my album. I ran into a huge stumbling block because of the camera I used but I’m trying to fix the issues. I’ll talk more about the issue when I finish the first design for my travel series album.
Quite often I fall back into the rabbit hole and look at pics and videos from the trip. One minute turns into twenty and so on. I start wishing I was back in Paris and in those moments. Trying to go back and savor each second. Feels almost like an outer body experience now and a part of me is detached from the moments. It’s a strange feeling. There’s a huge feeling of emptiness that I just can’t shake. Maybe parts of my soul are left in Paris. Or maybe I should say parts of my soul are left inside the journey. I wish I could continue exploring more of Paris and France. There’s so much I missed. I want to see it all. I know at the time, while I was staring at the Eiffel Tower, I said out loud that I wish I could I stay here forever and put this moment on freeze frame. I literally can’t stop thinking about it. I’m supposed to let go, right? Move on… and just go back to real life but I can’t. I really can’t… and it’s more than just Paris. It’s the dream. The adventure… The possibilities, to be literally inside a dream. To feel it… you know? I just can’t shake the emptiness I feel now. Little by little it’s destroying me but I’m trying so hard to go back to that strict state of mind I was in before my trip. I’ve been on complete self destruct mode since I’ve been back. It hit me last night in a bad way. I won’t mention the details because that’s irrelevant and depressing. All I will say is that the past is starting to catch up with me. I am struggling big time with this album but I will finish it! Maybe it will be a complete disaster or maybe I’ll be lucky and it’ll be a masterpiece.
I was thinking a lot today about my “art”. I put that in quotes because I truly don’t know if what I do here is really considered as art. Does it matter at this point? That’s the conundrum. The double edge sword of this reality. For so many years, I wanted to live off the sweetness. Finding the perfect color blends and feeling utter bliss. I never figured out a way to truly survive off my love of color. It always seemed out of reach. There was always something I wasn’t doing right or well enough to make that true transition from hobby to career. Along the way, a lot of horrible things happened in my life that didn’t help make this love of mine a true career path. One thing… The big thing… is the outside perspective. Let me be 100 percent real. Some of the feedback I received has been really discouraging and awful and it’s not only from strangers. “Loved ones” don’t believe in the dream and I have to say that hurts the most. I’ll admit that I don’t take negative criticism well but it doesn’t help when no one really believes in the dream and when my “art” has been seen as dirty. “It’s just a dream.” “Am I making any money with my art?” If I’m not making money is it really a career? “It’s chaotic, a mess… etc… etc…” Hey… It’s all valid perspectives and I completely understand. There are so many reasons to not continue. However, if I listened to all the negative feedback then I probably wouldn’t have attempted to go to Paris for my birthday. It’s no longer just a dream as someone told me many years ago. Maybe I can prove all the naysayers wrong and make a career out of my experiments with color. Or maybe not… I just don’t know anymore. I’m at the point where I don’t want to continue trying to make it work. I want to make one last album and that’s it. June 1st marks the ten year anniversary when I started making abstract art music videos. If I can just find a way to make enough money where the outside perspective didn’t matter then I would love to continue. I truly believe what I do here is essentially pointless and horrible to everyone but me and at this point in my life, I don’t care. If I’m able to continue the journey full time, the hatred and disgust doesn’t matter. It makes me happy. Standing in front of the Eiffel Tower was truly a defining moment in my life. Maybe it means nothing to most people but it meant everything to me. It took so long to get there… and I wish I could wake up every morning and stare at the Eiffel Tower or at the very least be exploring a new destination. I think the Eiffel Tower will probably be the last design I’ll make for the album. I am scared out of my mind to work on that design but it I know I can do it!
If this album is another failure, which I know it probably will be, then that’s it for me. I will know that I tried and failed making this a career. A huge part of me feels like I’m already at the end and that’s why I feel empty almost every second of the day now. I’ve already accomplished something I literally thought was impossible. There’s nothing else to prove if I failed everything else. At least I have one moment in time where I truly made a dream come true. Besides doing this full time, it was one my ultimate dreams. It’s truly enough for me. It feels great to reach a point in my life where it doesn’t matter anymore. Sure… it would be wonderful to continue the journey and make this a full time career but if that doesn’t happen then that’s ok. I truly feel at peace with my failures in this life and I think going to Paris gave me that peace of mind and I will be forever grateful for visiting Paris. Yeah… I think this post is a lot more positive then what I originally wrote, lol. 😀
P.S. I will be featuring a picture of my travels in Paris on every blog post related to my trip. Just incase you haven’t noticed already. 😉 The featured blog post picture was taken while at the top of the Arc De Triomphe on December 10th. I highly recommend getting tickets for the view. Seeing the Eiffel Tower from there was breathtaking!