I started writing something completely different about two weeks ago. Talking about a few drawings I made while trying to be productive on a lazy Sunday. But…
I find myself on constant rewind. Stalking photos and videos of my trip every day since I’ve been back. There are certain moments that I have on loop that I can’t help but lose my mind. It’s been three weeks and I am missing Paris, missing my dream life. Living an impossible moment in time has changed me in ways I can’t define. Two nights ago, I was just so lost in the moments, I was standing by my linen closet for a good 5 to 10 minutes lost in thought. When I snapped out of it, I felt empty and guilty that happened.
A part of me feels like there’s no reason to continue. I accomplished something that literally made my life complete. Why keep living a miserable life as a failed artist? Waking up every day wishing I was back in Paris or least traveling somewhere. On this journey full time instead of once in a blue moon. Is this all a tragedy or am I truly pathetic? I feel like I’m simply falling apart now. Nothing is in comparison of that adventure. Nothing… The only thing that’s keeping me somewhat grounded is endless drinking and binge eating. I was so strict and disciplined before the trip. Exercised five days a week for years, strict diet, no frivolous spending, and now… I acknowledge that I am splintering in a real way and I know myself and I wish I wasn’t like this that I can move forward. I wish I can move on but right now, I don’t think I can. I am having a really hard time adjusting back to my current life. There are times when I’m alone while working my dead end job and there’s a true hopelessness. Goodness… I always knew this would happen. The trip was just so magical that I would love and miss Paris so much and all I want is another moment in the dream. I want to go back and dive back in. There was so much I missed. Now looking back and being sucked in, I know I was mostly in shock throughout the trip. I wish I can just go back and live those moments again. Really savor it… I know it wasn’t perfect but I take all the imperfections over this feeling now.
Another aspect I loved so much was the adventure itself. To be on that crazy adventure traveling alone for the first time to a foreign country felt incredible! It feels like going to Paris gave me the strength to go anywhere. If I can travel alone to Paris with a huge fear of planes then I can go anywhere. I just want to continue the journey but I know I can’t and that hurts so much. Too much… I can’t think straight most days while working. Today feels horrible…
The image you see on the right features a design I worked on briefly this morning. Feel free to click on it to see the full view of the design. I used a kaleidoscope pattern with the image you see on the thumbnail and started blending. It’s the first time I made something that’s part of my trip to Paris. I didn’t spend too much time on it. If I did… then you probably see more details of the original photo. I just wanted to work with Paintsthop again and work with an image of a moment I loved on the trip. I think I mentioned it briefly on the last post about this image. I was walking from the Pantheon and heading to the Louvre and I stumbled on this block and it looked absolutely beautiful. Lots of architecture I’ve seen throughout Paris seems dream like and magical to me. I honestly don’t know which street I took this photo on and I wish I took note of the location. I mean… if I ever went back, I know exactly where to go to find this block again. It’s literally a block from the Pantheon. I would do almost anything to go back inside the dream. Really… I find reality suffocating and just overall miserable. It would be so lovely to have an apartment in Paris that has a balcony with a view of the Eiffel Tower. I could start every morning staring at the Eiffel Tower. That sounds so amazing. It’s worth everything. To be on the journey again…. exploring Paris or just exploring the world while making art is what I really want in my life. It’s so much more than a hobby to me. Everything I’ve done here is more than hobby. It’s my heart.
I know in my heart that maybe this is all pointless and I’m living a meaningless existence. My art looks like crap and in every aspect of my current reality I can be easily replaced with a better, more sane, and functional human being.
Well… I have one last thing to do and I have to push myself towards making this album. I am very overwhelmed but I already accomplished the impossible, I can make one last album. Maybe go out on a high?