Breaking Down: The Dream is Dying

There’s a lot on my plate right now and not in a good way. I recently couldn’t pay another bill, which resulted in losing my phone service. Now, I can’t apply for any more jobs until I get another phone. I was thinking about printing out a few of my designs and maybe a gallery would take them. I researched a few places but I have to pay extra to submit the prints. I’m going to post three gigs tomorrow on fiverr but I’m not too optimistic on sales. I still haven’t receive any sales in my shop. I’m definitely not optimistic on that. I know it could take years to get noticed, especially if you have no money to promote the store. Even then there are no guarantees. I feel like what I’m doing now is pointless. I’m trying really hard to get myself out there but nothing is working. I’m on youtube, linkedin, facebook, twitter, google+ and pinterest. I just started a podcast and now I’m on itunes.  Then again I have no faith that I’m a good artist. I guess that’s the real problem. If I take my work to the galleries, would they all say no? Maybe what I do isn’t really art. I just don’t know. I’ve been doing this for a long time and nothing is really happening that’s positive.

I really don’t understand why life has to be hard. I know it’s mostly own fault that this crap keeps happening but why is there a huge price to pay to follow a dream? I don’t want to worry about money anymore. Everything revolves around money and I am so sick of it. I want to concentrate on experimenting with color and hopefully one day with nature. I can’t travel, I can’t do anything. I’m stuck inside an apartment I can’t afford. I feel like I’m at the lowest point in my life right now and I’m getting old. There are too many debts and I’m drowning. I hear people say you shouldn’t create to make money. It takes hours to create new work and double that time to promote it. How am I suppose to live for color if money is part of the equation to live? How many more months, years, does it have to take? I just want a guarantee that something is going to work out for me in a positive way. But there are no guarantees and I’m drowning in more debts that I just can’t pay and I feel guilty to keep asking my family for money. I feel horrible every single day.

I honestly want to give up. I don’t think my art is good enough to keep going. I love what I do but it’s obvious that doesn’t mean anything in this world.  I have no idea when things are going to turn around. I feel like a burden and I hate this feeling.

I made a mistake around my birthday last year. I don’t remember mentioning it in previous posts. I tried to take my own life and I forgot one thing that would have made it work. My family figured out what happened and has been helping since. I can’t pay them back.  I don’t want to go back to another job where I’m doing something I don’t want to do and have constant meltdowns.

Now I’m in deeper debts and I wish more than anything that my suicide attempt worked. I wouldn’t feel like trash right now. I would probably feel peace from making all these mistakes that I can’t fix. It feels impossible to stay positive when everything is going wrong. I need a break from this life. I want a permanent break. I want to start over in another reality where my dream is possible.  I know it’s wishful thinking but I wish someone who is crazy rich would finance me for a year or six months. I know I can turn things around if I had money. Wishful, delusional, pitiful… yep that just sums me up right now.

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