Almost two years ago, I stopped working on my art full time. It was a hard decision to make but I thought I was making the right decision. I took breaks in the past but this was the longest one. I didn’t want to come back to my art until I can focus 100 percent on it. In the past, I felt guilty because I couldn’t dedicate the time needed to grow this website and my art. I didn’t want money to become a barrier or a reason to stop working.
I must admit I get consumed with the idea of color. I can work on a design for hours and it’s bliss. All the work I was putting in didn’t produce reliable income. I had to focus finding a way to earn stable employment at the time.
I also took a risk and went into another direction hoping it will leading me back to this site. However, the website was another failure. I lost hundreds of dollars and completely lost it mentally. The website was about making money online with websites and apps. I also focused on internet marketing. It was a life changing experience regardless of my failures with the website. The site no longer exists because I ran into a lot of problems. It was a hard decision but a messy situation. My plan was to keep it active but not focus too much time on the site. However, I was getting hacked into a lot and I couldn’t stop it from happening.
I found a part time job that I loathe with all my being just to pay the bills. Last year was a crucial time for me. I wasn’t in a great situation and I couldn’t rely on my love of art to see me through it. I’ve taken a huge step back towards achieving my dreams throughout 2016 but I’m in a better living situation.
It’s all me. I am the problem. I’m scared that if I take more risks, I will continue to fail. I dedicated an insane amount of time to my love of color. Yet, I have to go further down the unknown. I have to risk everything to make this work. For a long time, I didn’t want to worry about money anymore at the start of the journey. My heart was set on Chicago being the first stop on this journey. I wanted to take the train or fly for the first time and stay at a nice hotel. I wanted everything to be perfect and beautiful at the start of the journey.
But… It’s now or never. I’m getting older and my life is stuck. The perfect time won’t come if things don’t change. I have to save every dollar that I can to making this dream work. I have to give it everything that I have. I can’t let a horrible job stressed me out to the point that I abandon my love of color. I can’t let the fear of failure and worthlessness kill my dream. I’ve been feeling it die for months now and I have to become stronger. Somehow….
I admit this here because I never stopped loving color. I knew at some point I would be back. It’s not at an ideal time but I have to keep pushing the limits. I need to start this journey even if this is a huge failure.
In 2015, I put in all my time to push this website forward. Now I am back on that journey. I will devote as much time and money that I have towards this dream. The first step starts the journey into the unknown. I know I’m not free to concentrate on my art full time now but if I keep working on my art then maybe I will be one day. I can have many feasts with color and nature. That will be a beautiful life, a lush dream.
I have no intentions to take another break. I am on this journey til the end.