Two days ago, I was in an automobile accident. I was rear ended by a postal truck and still feeling a bit of pain from the accident. Thinking about what happened was a reminder that anything can happen at anytime. The accident happened on the same day I heard bad news about my job. When it rains, it pours… And it’s actually raining as I’m typing this. I was thinking a few days ago about posting an update after my last music video. I started writing my plans and I was going to add it to this post but now… I just don’t know anymore. I’m kind of just stuck on pause. Feels weird… Life can definitely throw you some crazy curve balls. Reaction is key… I’m trying to see a positive. Things always seem to happen to knock me off balance and the other night I thought maybe I deserve everything that’s happening. The last 2 and a half years of having this car have been a nightmare and a blessing. I feel bad that the car has been through so much in such a short time. I know it’s an inanimate object but having the car allowed me to break free from a bad situation and find a new job. Plus… I wouldn’t have made Mall Drive, Ambler Drive, and Lincoln Drive without it. I wouldn’t have gone to Cape May or Annapolis. I am extremely grateful to even have the car. Life will move on and more sad events will follow. That seems to be the theme I’m noticing and after everything that’s happened already, all of this just really saddens me. Is there no way out of constant misery? I’m really tired. I need a break, a serious positive turn of events or at least an extended holiday for a month, perhaps a year or two, or permanently?
That will never happen… I don’t think? But… I guess anything is possible. A permanent holiday would be working on my travel series full time. I can see bumps down the road but it would still be a great holiday. That’s why a huge part of me thinks that this is never going to happen and the endless misery cycle will keep going until I’m gone. It’s really heartbreaking…. truly. I am really trying to turn things around but now I don’t know. I just don’t know if I can.
I don’t understand. Why does suffering exist in reality? Why do bad things have to happen? I could understand the whole balance theory. There’s just as much good as there is bad. There needs to be a balance between the good and bad. You need adversity to improve, to learn from your mistakes and challenges… etc. I heard all of that but it never made sense to me. You can be happy, learn, evolve, do everything you want to do, be positive, all of it… without suffering! I truly believe that. Suffering is unnecessary. I don’t feel like a better person having gone through abuse, accidents, sickness, etc. If anything… it’s made more depressed and hopeless. It’s endless and I’m really tired of it. The upside is always fleeting and short… and there’s always the constant thought that something could happen to mess things up and at some point it does happen. Yet it can always get worse and that’s the fear I have about this reality. The infinite depths of pain and suffering. There’s no end to it. Anything can happen at anytime… Things could get worse at any time and there’s no control. I want a permanent vacation from this reality. Go to sleep, stay in dreamland forever, living out my best life and there’s no sadness, no suffering, just no pain in the slightest. A blissful moment that lasts throughout eternity.