Seeking The Red Carnival Door

It’s been a long gap once again but less than a month so that’s good! I have some good news and some not so great news. I’m going to take another break from this journey I’m on with color. I thought I wouldn’t have to do this again but it’s necessary just like in 2015. I remember there was a moment close to the end where I thought I can’t do this anymore and attempt to make a living. I was in a bad situation that I needed to get out of as soon as possible. My love for color couldn’t save me and now things are somewhat similar. If I want to take the next step with my work with color I have to find a realistic way to make it happen. Instead of working at jobs that I hate just to survive, I have to put more time into finding extra income to finance what I really want to do with this website and my work with color. I am going to finish the album but it’s going to take more time to finish. I will keep this website updated but I’m not in a rush to finish the album. This journey is my everything. I know I said it before but it’s really my only happiness. That’s why I have to find a way to make this work. I’m going to create another website that’s not too different from this one. It’s going to be focused on my travels only and not my artwork. It’s like an extension of this website. I think this website will be more “profitable” and can reach a larger audience. It’s my hope… It could all be one big failure but I’m going to be very optimistic. I want to start living my dreams. I’m not getting any younger and the time is now. I’m going to take a big risk with this and hopefully, it works out. Speaking of living a dream life… the dream I had a few nights ago was eye opening.

I think I experienced a bit of inception . I had a dream within a dream and it was incredible. Well… it was a reference to a past dream. Another Paris dream… I simply treasure these dreams. They don’t happen often and it’s always wonderful. I never want to wake up from those dreams. Honestly, if I died in my sleep and was in Paris forever, that would be the sweetest afterlife I could ever ask for. I was thinking about that when I woke up. Not to get too morbid… but I really didn’t want to wake up. Well… the dream itself was incredible. I was in Paris again but I noticed I was alone. I think I was alone each time in my dreams. I don’t remember everything now. I think I should have written this blog post as soon as I woke up. It was fresh in my mind at the time but anyway… I remember it all started with me leaving the hotel I was staying in and walking in the streets of Paris. I was feeling so happy. I felt like I was in shock that I was here again. I think the hotel had the word Circle in it. Everyone was so friendly. I was walking and noticed the carnival that I saw in my dream years ago. It was the same carnival. When I noticed it, I was in shock. I couldn’t believe that it would pop up here again. That’s never happened to me before. In the dream, I was thinking I saw this carnival in a dream. When I woke it totally felt like I was in inception. I don’t know if this carnival really exist. I do remember it had a red door as the entrance. On my way towards the carnival, there was something happening adjacent to me in the next street that caught my attention. There was a gargoyle signaling to me. I’m pretty sure the gargoyle was waving to me. I walked closer and there was a moment I thought if I lost my way I won’t make it back to the hotel. I looked at my phone and wasn’t sure if it was working. I looked up and the gargoyle was still waving at me. I had to keep going to see if I was really seeing this happen. There was a guy laying on top of subway station smiling at me as I was walking back towards the hotel. He was staring at the gargoyle and didn’t appear to be surprised to see a live gargoyle in the street. He was definitely happy, almost gleeful to see it. It was such a fun and odd time. The gargoyle went back in the cage and then I knew I couldn’t stay long and had to find the hotel soon. I don’t remember feeling panicked but slightly concerned. I knew right before I woke up I was on my way back to the hotel but didn’t reach it. Maybe if I found the hotel, I could have stayed in Paris longer. Who knows…

Thinking back it was definitely a strange dream but I love it. I would love to have a moment in Paris. Those dreams feel so real. It’s like I’m actually there each time. Maybe I am in a different reality. A reality that’s beyond any concept of reality that I could comprehend. Who knows…

It really is heartbreaking to live a life of failed dreams. I have no idea if I ever reach Paris. I like to believe it can happen but a big part of me thinks I’m being delusional. Everything I’ve done so far means nothing. When I think about that I mean really think about it, it throws me instantly into despair. Is this what life is about? I’m getting old and I don’t see my dream becoming a reality in this world. In the dream world, I’ve been there and had magical experiences. Is this reality the nightmare? A failed life on repeat. Nothing really changes and I’m so far from reaching real goals. I’ve been working on this particular journey for seven years. That’s a long time and it feels like I’m at the beginning. I hate that what I do here seems like a joke, a hobby that has no real value. I wish I didn’t need money to make this dream come true. In 2015, when I had no job I was working on this journey day and night. Nothing came out of it and at the end. Is that my destiny? Endlessly trying to reach an impossible dream and dying a failure? I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have these Paris dreams often. I would simply go insane if I did. Maybe I am going crazy. I really should give up. I have so many reasons to stop working on this website. But… I will keep trying to make this work for me on my own terms. It really does sound like a joke at this point but I guess I’m opting to be delusional. I feel very sad right now. Time to do what I do best to forget about my constant misery.

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