Accepting A Solo Mission

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. After completing this album, there was a moment where I think I felt pure euphoria. It was after the shock I felt when I finished the album. I was thinking that now I’m free to travel to the next place and start this album process all over again. The next trip… The next moment that’s similar to Hartford. I couldn’t help but smile at random times. Then… shortly after, a day or two, reality started to hit me hard. Now, I feel miserable. It is naive to think that creating albums is my true reality. I’m at a job that I truly hate. It hurts because, in the beginning, I didn’t feel this way. It’s progressively getting worse.  However, this is what I need to do right now until I find another job. This reality is about survival. Without this job, I can’t pay important bills. My point is that this website is a dream life. There are struggles but it’s nothing compared to the daily struggle that is this reality. I made mistakes and being at a job like this reminds me of those mistakes every day.

I would love for this website to be my reality every second of the day. The other day, my boyfriend mentioned that what I’m doing is a solo mission. I invited him to come with me to my next destination which is Cape May. He was undecided but when he said that I felt a strange feeling. A mixture of loneliness and determination. What I’m doing is like a mission. A mission to discover more about nature and color. It feels polar opposite to what I do every day. It’s like I’m living two lives. I know I’m going to be alone throughout my travels. I would love to have a friend come with me. I wish I did. I wish things were different. It’s strange… When I was in Hartford, it was exhilarating and somewhat frightening to be alone in an unfamiliar place. In many ways, it did feel like a mission. I knew I had places to go. A blizzard was coming and it changed all my plans. I was in a rush to visit many places before the storm. Thinking about it now makes me smile because it was just an amazing experience. Running from Beecher Stowe to catch a ride so I can have one more chance before sunset to take pictures. It was like I was on a thrill ride with nature. I didn’t feel alone. I was just in awe of the moments. The fact that I was there and living my dream. It was so beautiful. So beautiful… I hope you can see that in my video album and in my speed art videos. I put so much time into my work. This is my true love.

My current reality is wearing me down. Most of my day I’m at work or commuting to and from work. Almost 4 hours a day traveling and drowning in a cesspool of negative energy seeping through my eardrums.  I know I have to be more focused and disciplined. I want to continue my travels. I will be heading to Cape May very soon. I thought I should go now while I have the chance to get back on track with my album deadlines. If I don’t go next week then I will go in early August. Cape May will be a shorter than my Hartford album. I am more focused on creating a video album with lots of footage. I want to use more design scripts. Sometime next week, I’m going to do a test with at least 150 photos for one design script. I had over 160 for Hartford but I used multiple scripts.  I am really intrigued with scripts. Adobe is also a good alternative but there are certain things I want to do that I don’t think I can do with that program.

I’ve been researching more about Cape May. There is a lighthouse that is very popular. I saw a few pictures and I thought it would be amazing to be at the top of the lighthouse. Sounds cool… Just thinking about it makes me smile right now. I’ve never been inside a lighthouse. I haven’t traveled much in my life.  It’s another part of this journey that I love. Feels like I am an explorer. I love it!

I had another crazy thought the other day. I am not sure if I can do this but I am going to try. I aim to finish the Cape May album in September. I want to go to Delaware in October. There is an auto racing event happening during that time in Dover. I think it would be perfect. This can only work if I can finish Cape May and get a car. It is a huge task. I want to be able to do this. I am going to aim for it and see what happens. This is an exciting but very difficult time. C’est possible à vivre le réve!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.