I’ve been working a lot throughout the past week. I’m starting to get used to the new schedule. I am going to change things a little bit which will take another adjustment. I’m still working on the album. I created two video designs. I was thinking about posting it but I want to focus on creating this album.
It’s interesting, my original due date to create this album was May 1st, which is tomorrow. I thought I would be very upset because I’m behind schedule but I’m not. One way or another, I will finish this album. My main goal is to finish this album before I travel to Cape May.
There was a moment recently where I had to take a really hard look at myself. In many ways, I feel really disconnected in this life. I don’t have many friends. Not a lot of people talk to me. I try to be friendly but I just haven’t made any real connections with people. With my art, I had a desire to create something that could be considered as art. Real art… But, there’s a part of me that thinks no really likes my work. I’m not going to make a living with this love. I’m not good enough. I will never be good enough. There are so many people who are better than me. I’m really insecure and at times I hate myself. I hate the person I am. I wish I wasn’t shy. I wish I was a better person. More open and extroverted. It’s strange because I love to go out. I love to experience new things and places but I find it hard, almost impossible to connect with people. Seems like someone immediately sees something not to like about me. Or maybe everyone sees the hatred for myself and everyone sees that. I guess… I don’t know.
Right now, I have an opportunity to really change my life. Despite all the challenges with this website and other things in my life. It’s a difficult time but I don’t have much time to try to make this work. I’m going to start investing more into myself. I need to save and earn more money. I need to continue this journey. Honestly, I would love to build a connection. Have a few friends and have my work been seen as true art. In the back of my mind, things will never really change. No one will like me or the work I do. Whatever I do will never be enough in this reality. Despite these thoughts, I must continue this journey. I want to have another moment like Hartford. It was a such a beautiful moment and time in my life.
This week, I would like to finish most of the video designs for the album. Plus, I would like to make two speed art designs. It’s going to be tough but I have to do as much as I can. Unfortunately, I’m going to end the podcast. I don’t have the right time to record anymore and I need the extra cash. I would like to start again but at the right time, preferably when I have an office space or a bigger apartment. There’s so much to do in so little time.