Madness – Day 16 of Design Challenge

I have to admit the last two days have been very horrible. Having small breakdowns… Crying a couple of time throughout the days. I am very stressed out. I can’t shake this nagging feeling I have right now. I was a doing a survey recently and towards the end I saw a video that had me really shaken up. I also had a dream the other night that was kind of disturbing. Things are not good… On top of that, I’m trying to make 30 designs and music videos in 30 days.

I saw another video by someone I follow on youtube. He creates videos about how to make money online. One thing he said that gave me a reality check was that you need to have money to start making money. I don’t have it. The little money I have goes to food and an important bill. I don’t even have enough for those two things. Things could get much worse and I fear that happening every day.

I am tired… I need a day off from this challenge to get myself together. I feel completely overwhelmed and very sad. I know I can finish this challenge but it’s hard. I wish I was making better designs. I wish so many things. I wish I was in a better financial situation right now. I am grateful not to be out on the street. The video I saw had a similar topic and right now I feel lucky not to be in that situation.

I wish I was in a world where what I did mattered. I could survive off my work with color. I wish I didn’t always feel a sense of worthlessness. That’s the nagging feeling… Something I just can’t shake off of me. Creating these designs every day is slowly driving me mad. If I’m not already at that point. I love color. I really do. If there was a way for color to swallow me up and take me to a place where I didn’t have to worry about money, I would go in a second. I could drown myself in the wonderful world of color and never look back. Maybe there’s a different reality like that. Maybe it’s the afterlife. I don’t know. I know it’s not this world. There are thousands, probably millions of other artists. It’s so easy to get lost in a sea of faces. Endless beautiful pieces of art.

I’ve been listening to my favorite song ever. It’s called The Next Life by Suede. I used to listen to it all the time years ago. Recently, I’ve had it on repeat for several hours. It’s one of the few songs I can listen to on repeat for days and not get tired of it. I wonder when happier times are going to arrive in my life. The balance between bad times and good times. I can’t help but wonder if feeling happy is a myth. I’ve felt it temporary when making certain designs but reality always haunts me. Misery and despair are like lingering shadows in my life. They have been ever present throughout the last couple of years. At times, I wish they would finally crush me so I don’t have to live with the constant feeling of being a person of no value. Color feels like pure seduction instead of salvation. Everything I built here has been filled with lust. I lust a life filled with color. I’ve been on this road steadily for several years. It has gotten me nowhere in this world. However, there have been moments where I felt bliss. The only way to take my love for color to new heights is with money. Makes me want to scream…

If I finish this challenge, I’m going to take a much needed day off.

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