Permanent Seconds Before Meltdown

Well… I’m stuck at a crossroads. It’s been a permanent spot for a long time. I am a little behind making my album and certain questions keeps plaguing me. How am I going to make the next one? Can I keep going? Should I keep going? Is this all for nothing? There are so many people who are better than what I have to offer. I think about the dreams I have and it feels impossible to make it happen. I have nothing. I spend so much time on this website. Any extra cash I have, I put towards maintaining this website, the podcast, and food. There’s so much I have to do to keep moving forward. To have a chance to make it as an artist. Have a chance to travel around the world and put my spin on nature with my travel series. I feel like whatever I do is never going to be good enough.

I started making abstract designs more in 2012. That’s when I started making speed art videos and in 2013, I tried to make a career out of this. Before 2012, I made designs sporadically. It was mainly a hobby. I focused on becoming a writer and I crashed and burned with that pursuit. I recently found a backup of my book. Over 300 pages… I forgot how much I wrote before I abandoned the book. I don’t have any regrets. I could never see myself being a writer after I finished the book. It was more a warped autobiography, mixed with philosophy and alternate realities. I wrote a character similar to my personality that killed herself and haunts the main character throughout the book. Sometimes I truly wish I was dead. There are a lot of times when I feel not up to par with this reality. I feel like I’m letting everyone down. Things could have been so different if I didn’t pursue my dream. I have next to no money. Most of it goes to a bill. It’s pathetic. I feel like a pathetic human being. Times are hard right now and I don’t see a way out. I don’t think my love for color is going to help me out of this mess.

I took six months off from December 2013 to now. During that time, I tried to find a way to help support my love for color. Now I look back and see time that I wasted. There’s skills I just don’t have. Programs I can’t afford to work with. Money I don’t have to promote my art. I was thinking about starving myself so I can have some extra cash to help promote the next album. My mother helps me a lot. I use most of her help to keep the gas flowing in the place I live. It’s not my own place. I technically don’t have my own place. I do some work online outside of my art to help with food and another important bill I have to pay. I have to work a lot of hours to make a few dollars a day.

I don’t want to keep living like this. The constant struggle is almost too much to bare. If I completely gave up on color, I wouldn’t know how to keep living here. I know that’s the true difference with my past. Everything seems so clear with color. I have a destination I need to get to. I want the dream I have to come true in this reality. I want it to mean more than an impossible dream. I don’t want to let people who still care about me down. I want to be more than what I am now. Yet… I have no clue if things will ever get better. I am truly terrified.

Why am I saying all this? Too much information. Too much sadness. I’m not asking for anything. I have a song on repeat while tears are steadily flowing down my face. I feel like this website is an extension of myself. It’s easy to hide what’s really going on. Try to keep a smile on my face and act like everything fine but it’s not. I don’t have anyone to really talk to about this so it’s nice to just write.

I wish I didn’t screw my life up like this. I wish I was different. I wish I wasn’t a complete mess. I know I am the only one who can get myself out of this situation. I was on the train a few days ago and I was thinking about my dad. I remember the last moment we had. At one point he said to me, “You know I love you, right? I’ll do anything for you.” I think about that right now and I want him hold me right now and say that everything is going to be alright. Part of the memory is starting to fade. In September, it will be 20 years since he died. 20 years… I can’t believe it. I don’t want let him down. I feel like we could have been very close if he was still here. I don’t know.

Well… I’ve been trying to get in the right frame of mind to finish my album. I am not doing a good job but I have to keep pushing through, somehow. I hope to publish the album by next Monday. I will try to promote it on Bing, unless I can find a cheaper alternative.

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