This design is a long story. I made this design on October 8th, 2014. Today is November 7th. Almost a month. I thought about a lot of things during that time. I originally wasn’t going to post this until I was financially stable but now I feel it’s the right time to post it. I started writing part of this description on the 8th, a few days after, and today because it means a lot me. The design felt like a personal journey. If you’re interested in reading more about this design, grab a cup of tea and relax.

I had a dream about making this design. I was listening to this motivational video for a few hours. I actually fell asleep while watching/listening to it. I had it on repeat on my computer.

The crazy thing is I don’t know if I was dreaming or not. I don’t know when I went to sleep. Beforehand, I was visualizing myself becoming one with color. Either I was running through streams of colors or I was spinning. I was loving it.

During the dream, Nietzsche turns his head to stare at me and his face changed in different colors. It looked similar to how I would blend someone’s face on paintshop. It was kind of surreal. I felt this strange energy from the portrait.

At 0:30 in the video, Les Brown says “That when you dedicate your life to something. You bring on some powers in the universe that works through you. To bring about changes that you will never ever know unless you dedicated yourself.”

Perhaps color is speaking through me. It guides me through every blend.  Perhaps that’s the energy I felt in the dream.

Throughout the years, I feel like I lost pieces of myself. In my late teens and early twenties, I always read Nietzsche. Sometimes I’ll read his writings at work. I truly love Nietzsche. He was simply brilliant. I have to go back and start reading Nietzsche again.

To me, Nietzsche was a philosopher and poet in one. I got into Nietzsche in college. I took a course called Philosophy 101 and I absolutely loved it. He’s my favorite philosopher.  I thought about getting a degree in Philosophy because of him but I didn’t go down that path. However, it’s never too late. Philosophy to me is expressing your perspective on reality. You have to look at life outside the box and create theories on how reality works. I guess in some ways, on a few posts, I talked a lot about reality and how color ties into it all. Maybe I could be a philosopher who is obsessed with color.

Someone recently told me that I was mentally sick. It wasn’t the first time I heard someone say that to me. However, there was a strange significance compared to the last few times I heard this label being applied to me. I immediately questioned it. I fought against the label when in the past, I let that definition become a part of how I saw myself.

Are you sick when you lose grips with this particular reality? Are you sick when you no longer can’t deal with this reality anymore? Are you sick when you hear voices? Are you sick when you’re not normal?

The one thing I love about Nietzsche is that he pushed boundaries. He was outspoken… almost ruthless with his words. “Without music, life would be a mistake.” If someone would say that life could be a mistake, all types of labels and criticisms are bestowed on that person. You are this and that and so forth. Something is wrong if you think life could be mistake in any fashion. This reality to me is a testing ground of endless theories. When someone says you’re sick and you disagree, are you really sick? Or are you sick in the eye of the beholder? Even if you personally think that you’re not sick? There are medications, labels, criticisms and etc. Everyone wants to throw their words and opinions on topics to create their own personal definitions and that’s fine. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. You can easily become a hypocrite if you agree slightly with those meanings but have your own stance that’s different from someone else. There are so many dimensions of thought. For a long time, I thought it was wrong to think a certain way. If someone didn’t like me because of the way I thought, I would feel ashamed. I would feel guilty. I would continue being me but felt abnormal. To me there’s always a personal boundary. However, my boundaries might not cross your boundaries. My boundaries may appear as a misinterpretation. It’s an endless paradox. I might be offended but you might not be or see things differently. Lines cross and relationships are ended. I love to question everything. I love to look at all sides of the questions. However, I do have my limits, what I feel crosses the line. That’s when feelings come in play. It’s like the Architect and the Oracle in the Matrix. They are allies but are on opposite sides of the playing field. Both machines, both part of the system. It’s easy to control parts of the system if they can’t think outside of this reality. Outside the boundaries and rules set in this reality. Parts… batteries… mind control… it’s all the same. This reality can trick and deceive you. It can make you go mad. It can save you from destroying yourself. It can be heaven on earth. I admit… I have conversations in my head all the time. What’s real? Should I be thinking this thought? Am I really crazy? Am I really depressed? Am I really sick? Then the next second later, I think that I’m not sick. I’m perfectly fine. I’m going through a bad time but I’m fighting to get back on track. I’m on constant self destruct mode until I get back on track, when I’m living for color again. When I’m truly happy…. Yet other thoughts pop in, like a test. Am I sick for thinking this way? Yes… to other people. Maybe…. to others, and no to a few other people. Perspective and free will. Two meanings that are truly deceptive. Someone can be deeply religious and believe in heaven and someone can believe that once you’re brain dead that’s it. It’s game over. You have free will to decide if you believe in heaven or not. Or maybe someone out there is pulling every string. We are all puppets in a grand scheme. All the world is a stage and we are all players. I wonder if Shakespeare figured this reality out. God is playing with us. Or maybe… just maybe, every single one of us is god. We have the capabilities to shape this reality the way we want based on perception.

I tell you one thing. My ultimate dream, something that I want to become a reality means everything to me. For a while, I wanted to become a writer. However, I realized it was a great passion but always an escape. If I finish my first book, what on earth will I talk about next? I had a few stories but nothing concrete. I couldn’t see myself 50 or 60 years old still writing about fictional stories. Color… is a different realm. I always loved it. I would get frustrated but at the end, I love arriving at a destination I didn’t see at the beginning. Even when I wrote stories, I would have vivid visions in my head of places I would want to write about but I never been able to convey my visions into words. I know there’s a chance I convey these wonderful visions through color.

I really love to talk about philosophy. There’s more to this world. I believe it. However, when I do die and there’s nothing, I would be perfectly happy with that ending because I like questioning what could be.

If you have the capabilities to turn nothing into something, isn’t that god like in some manner? If everyone thinks you are a failure and you end up winning awards and are highly praised for your work and turn things around, doesn’t that mean something? Creating something out of pure imagination is god like to me. Whether it’s a dream, a goal, or anything you put your mind to. We are all pieces of brilliance. We have to put the pieces together and become one with god. God is you…

Well that’s what I believe. I may be wrong, right, or crazy to you and that proves my point even more. Perception… It’s how you see the world. You can believe in religion or not but it doesn’t make you any more right then someone else who believes something different.

Two weeks after I made this design, I had a second dream with Nietzsche. I was in a small philosophy class. I was sitting behind someone who loved Nietzsche just as much as I did. He was telling me how happy he was being in this class. I replied stating that I love Nietzsche as well. After that small chat, I rested my head on my right hand, lost in thought, while staring at Nietzsche. He stared back at me replicating the same exact look. The odd thing is that he looked exactly like the design I made. It was eerie yet amazing. I felt a strange connection with him at that moment. Is that crazy?

And now here I am… almost a month after making this design and I almost feel haunted by it. I used colors that always challenged me. I wanted the design to look like it could have been made many years ago. I wanted to use different shades of brown. During the design process, I found a dusty purple and gray blend that I wanted to keep, as a foundation. However, I didn’t keep it as a final version. I didn’t want to use much blue or any fun/bouncy colors and blends in this design because of Nietzsche’s expression. He looks very serious and I wanted to keep a focus on darker tones. I do love the journey I was on with this design. The textures are close to being perfect and I’m happy about that. I spend hours trying to get the right balance in textures. Textures are the hardest part of every design. Even when I have the perfect texture, it might not blend well with the design at the end. I made two versions of this design that I love.

I think about the promise I made to myself that I wouldn’t post this design until I was moving in a more positive direction. I could move forward with my journey with color and dedicate my life to it without any barriers. I’m not there yet but I feel something has changed in me.

I finished reading a book three days ago that changed everything. It has truly inspired me. The book is called The Alchemist. There’s one part in the book that had me close to tears. It was close to the end. I’ve given up so many times on this dream. I’ve been close to death. I am reminded every day of the struggle and the pain I’ve gone through. I have been looking at this all wrong. I look back at my previous videos and there’s a permanent smile.  I’ve been one with color since the beginning. I think about color all the time. I stared at my Nietzsche design every single day since I made it. Working hard to get back on that journey with color but I realize now that I never left it. Every day that I’m not being loyal to color is a day wasted. Life is way too short to waste time. There’s so much I want to do with color. In the past, I had so much hope but I never believed in myself enough to think I could be successful in making my dream a reality. All this time, I didn’t believe it could actually save me but it has. Thinking about Santiago in the alchemist, he only had two dreams about his treasure. I’ve had a lot more than two. I’ve been to Paris. I saw myself making designs on several occasions. I met Nietzsche. I’ve seen color engulfed my whole body. I’ve seen so many wonderful things in my dreams. I’m going to invest more in the dream. I can’t ignore the good omens anymore.

“Every second of the search is an encounter with God.” The search of treasure for Santiago. The search of endless color blends for me. Thousands of designs and visiting Paris, France. It can happen. I’m already on that road. Every design is a step closer.

  • Time to create: 6+ Hours
  • Tools: A pic of Friedrich Nietzsche and Paintshop Pro
  • Song in video: Things to Come by Broke For Free

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