Book of Jackie

Lots of horrible things have been happening. It’s really had me reevaluate everything. I wasn’t going to come back. In some ways, I feel extremely guilty for making this design. Various parts throughout the design process I was crying. I don’t want to give up but my current living status is not good. I’ve been trying to find jobs and I haven’t been successful. In the meantime, I invested so much time into my work with color. I am also trying to find someone to help me finance what I do here and I haven’t been successful in that area either. Nothing is really working and I honestly feel very horrible. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here anymore. I failed miserably.

Before I stopped making designs about a week ago, I wanted to play with a person. I’ve done it with my own face but I wanted to test doing abstract portraits. I’m not sure how this would look to others. Overall… I like how it turned out. I wanted to combine a traditional sketch but I didn’t reach the right blends. I like to think that pieces of the blends are part of the final design.

The person I did use was a mannequin. While I was making the design, I thought to call her Jackie. I can only work with images that are free to use. Mannequins are ideal because they are not real people and I found a couple on morguefile. I called it Book of Jackie because I did love the blends and kept several variations of the design.

I kept thinking I shouldn’t give up on this dream. Maybe I’ll be able to work with color full time one day. One day could be years from now and that thought scares me greatly. One day could be never. One day is not a guarantee of anything. I feel like I’m wasting space by being here. I have no money to keep going and I’m just a burden at this point. I haven’t felt like this ever in my life and I’ve had some really awful moments. I’ve been working almost nonstop since I was 16.

I have another idea to start creating t-shirt designs. Something very simple but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. I made a few designs but I’m on the fence. I don’t know if I’m coming back. I just don’t know about anything anymore.

Tools: Pencil and Paintshop Pro
Design Time: 4+ Hours
Song in Video: Tomie’s Bubbles by Candlegravity. You can download the song here.

Thanks so much for visiting Beatnik83. ~ Katherine

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